For the year of 2015 I did something for the first time in my life. It is interesting that I have never done this before as this seems to be a common thing for others to do. I have inwardly scoffed at people who do this and not seen the value, but this year I decided to go ahead.

What I did was set a purpose for the year. This year is The Year of Intensity. The year when I move out of my auto pilot and start living life as a fuller experience. My plan at the start of the year was to open myself up to experiences that I normally avoid; knowing well that this might be painful.

Painful in a way that I am usually uncomfortable with. Painful in a way that I avoid at all cost. Painful in a way that drives me to make bad decisions and crawl into my shell on most days.

The pain is a mental pain. The pain that comes from taking a hard look at myself and exploring my failures, the pain that comes from conflict, from thinking that the person across from me may not love me anymore because I disagree with them, the pain that comes from believing that other people think I am stupid. The pain – the agony that I have avoided at all costs.

I don’t welcome this pain yet, but I don’t fear it as badly. It now enters my life with a purpose, as an important element in my search for who and what I can be. I see that the pain has a purpose and it is to be explored, not avoided. Why is this painful? How painful is it? What can I learn from this feeling and the causes of it?

After over a half a year on this journey, I finally write about it. I will share more of this journey for the remainder of the year and for now I am happy that I have started sharing.